I love my job, I love the pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my boss, he is the best! I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location, I have to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and grey, And piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, There’s nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software, I hug it often though it won’t care. I love each program and every file, I’d love them more if they worked a while.
I’m happy to be here. I am. I am. I’m the happiest slave of the Firm, I am. I love this work, I love these chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job – I’ll say it again. I even love those friendly men. Those friendly men who’ve come today, In clean white coats to take me away!!!!
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. "Send extra sauce."
This is an appeal for Your Help, Major flooding hit last Monday.
News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fukinhell" and "twat"
The flooding decimated the town, causing £17.50's worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from various prisons around the country were damaged beyond repair. Historical burnt out cars in Toll Barr were also disturbed.
Many locals were woken up well before their Giro arrived. Radio Sheffield reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Doncaster.
One resident, 13 year old mother of 5, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Jay-lo slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Locals were determined to go about there everyday life, as looting, muggings, car crime and drug dealing carried on as normal.
So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher have been found floating in the flood water.
Can You Help....?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.
Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
· Burberry baseball caps · Kappa tracksuit's · Shell suits · White sports socks · Any other product sold in Primark or Matalan
Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Crisp's and cans of Colt 45, Special Brew or White Lightening are ideal.
Please do not give anything that requires peeling.
Remember:
. 22p buys a biro for filling in dole forms . £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9 . £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves . £50 will buy enough Heroin to help forget there problems
Please do not send tents for shelter.The sight of such up-market housing will cause discontent in the nearby Carcroft.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. Who lit the fuse on our tampon? 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks ?! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be? 24. Do I look like a ****** people person to you? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. Oh I get it. like humor . but different. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter. 40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she Sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mummy says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day.
"What are You teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, That son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think That farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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